I’m not your type.

Last spring I ended things with a man I had been casually seeing. He said he wasn’t surprised because, “you are too hot for me.” The sad truth is he was right. Right now I am sure you are thinking “Wow! Libby has quite the ego!” Let me explain my thoughts before you toss me off as an egotistical bitch. 

I used to be extremely insecure. Most of my relationships were short termed because I sabotaged them. My toxic insecurities would push them away or I’d end things before they came to their senses and dumped me.  I hated being that woman and I worked really hard on how I talked to myself and accepting who I am. Part of that meant stop trying to be someone I am not which meant owning and embracing my sexuality. Naively I always thought I could tamper down my thoughts and hide what I am but somehow people still sensed what I was. When I decided to let my freak flag fly and stop trying to not be sexy I began to find happiness. 

You see my sexuality and what others call sex appeal was treated like clothing. I opted to wear the big ugly theoretical hoodie so people didn’t get the wrong idea. (They still did.) It was a poly blend and itchy and made me feel less than attractive. When I decided I owed it to myself to embrace who I am I ordered new apparel too. Out were the mom jeans and classic tailored pieces took their place. I splurged on good heels that I could wear for hours versus clogs that made me feel heavy with every step. I tossed the utilitarian undergarments and ordered things that were pretty and made me feel like they were my superhero’s cape. Now I don’t think men who aren’t interested think I’m not worthy of them. I just think they are already preoccupied with someone, maybe prefers taller women, or wants someone more exotic looking. I don’t take it personally.

With my new found self awareness I found men who appreciated me for who I am. They like being with me and see other men checking me out. Because they see me as someone they deserve I am not jealous when I see women scoping them out. Heck, if she is pretty I might even consider sharing him with her for a night. Being a quintessential unicorn I am an equal opportunist! “You find my man hot? So do I! You should see how hot he is naked and what he can do with all that!” 

Yesterday my Domly One sent me a picture of himself in a suit. He didn’t send it hoping I would tell him how attractive he is or how nice he looks in a suit. He knows he looks good in a suit and he is fully aware of how it affects me seeing him in a suit. He is a cocky asshole, which is my type, and he loves making me squirm.  When the guy from last spring sent pictures it was for ego stroking. He would constantly tell me how he didn’t deserve me trying to prompt me to reassure him. Everyday sometimes several times a day he would tell me a story of some machismo act he had performed trying to impress me. Except being an asshole and being an ass are two different things. The asshole tells you truthfully what is on his mind. The ass overreacts and is blustery because he thinks it makes him look more masculine or assertive. Asshole has an opinion and doesn’t care if you agree. Ass overstates things and needs validation.  “That is the best sex I have ever had. Maybe you didn’t think so but for me it was fantastic.”

If you can’t tell if I enjoyed sex then you are doing something wrong. That you had to qualify the sex? You are correct. I am too hot for you.

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