I have a friend named Rob who is a nice guy. I also have Jason and Ian whom I count as friends and who I genuinely see as Nice guys. I have texted Ian and told him I need to have a drink and talk. This is code for “politics and world events are upsetting me and I need an intelligent like minded person to banter with so I feel less alone”. Jason is one of my spouse’s best friends and who I like to call my spouse’s moral compass. He embodies values that I think not only makes him great boyfriend material but just an amazing person in general. My friend Rob and I flirt but we are friends first and foremost. I adore his humor and kindness. He is never rude and even though he jokes about being shallow he has a lot of human compassion most people lack. These are just a few examples of Nice guys.
Then there are “nice” guys. Once you know their MO these men are easy to spot. They start as being slightly flirty but sweet so you don’t feel pressured. They are “sensitive” and share your pain or woes. They relate to you and it makes you feel like they truly are kindred souls. Once they see you have drunk their spiel they begin dropping inappropriate comments. They go from praising your personality and maybe “helping” your self-esteem by telling you how attractive you are. The guy that dumped you is an idiot not seeing the beauty of who you are. That morphs into what great tits you have. Or an expression of how maybe you and he should get together. He would treat you better. When you try and pump the brakes he acts like a wounded puppy and you feel bad.
Eventually, the wounded puppy routine gets tired after he continues making suggestions about the two of you as a couple. You have told him numerous times that you are strictly friends and wouldn’t want to hurt the friendship. He amps the so-called compliments by getting more vulgar. He begins telling you how he would worship your body if you just gave him a chance.
When your continued reminders that you are strictly friends fall on deaf ears you quietly begin to distance yourself. You don’t answer his daily text message. A few days later you do but keep it one worded and vague. You never initiate contact. After a few months though he still doesn’t understand. Now in the real world when you and a friend have drifted apart you just stop making plans. In a cyber friendship though some people feel that your lack of answering all of their messages is a sin. You have ghosted them. In my day to day life, I have never told someone that we need to just not be friends. The friendship just begins to fade away. “Nice” guy though won’t let that happen. He demands your attention because he has been so “nice” to you!
Recently I blocked a few nice guys on a messaging app. I felt that they were more interested in the thought of me than me and after two months of trying to let the relationship die a slow natural death they were not getting it.
“Nice” guy: Hey gorgeous! I love your new profile picture. Your lips give me some very naughty ideas. How are you doing?”
One week later, Me: Thanks. Have a nice day.
I don’t respond for two more weeks to his follow up texts. I get a few more then block them both. I am recovering from mono and my mood and energy is just not up for the droll conversations between these two.
They both find me within a month on social media. I tell them the same thing. “I want to focus my energy on people who I am close to and feel that I need to limit who I chat with on a regular basis.”
One tells me he misses me and wishes me the best. The other tells me I am a selfish cunt and he was my BEST friend! He listened to me when I was hurt! I owe him more than ghosting him! I am a “stuck up bitch who thinks she is something special but in reality is like all other shallow cunts. You use nice guys to feel better about yourself till you find your next douchebag. Fuck you bitch.”
If I had told him I was removing him from my social app he would have said the same thing. Men like “nice” guy thinks they never do anything wrong. They don’t understand why cunts like me don’t fall for them. Their hope is by being the “nice” guy they are that you will see past their whining and insecurities and be wooed by their…..niceness.
The thing is that not respecting people’s boundaries isn’t nice. When I say we are friends telling me how you’d love to give me oral sex or how nice my tits are isn’t something my Nice friends do. Why? Because they respect me and wouldn’t want me to be uncomfortable. Nice, truly nice, is not having a temper tantrum when someone feels that you really don’t have anything in common and they need to move forward without you. You aren’t dating, you are not married, and you are just acquaintances and calling someone names won’t make them change their mind.
Well, it won’t make me change my mind. It just makes me obstinate and dislike you even more. Maybe a weaker person would cave and engage in a dialogue they don’t really want to be involved in but continue from a false sense of guilt. Me? It just makes me think you are the whiny pathetic man that made me want to distance myself from.