I hate to admit it but I’ve been emotional the last two weeks. This is a new thing for me and not my norm so I’m struggling with all these…..feelings. I grew up in a home where my feelings were used against me. Signs of weakness were exploited and happiness was quashed like a mosquito at a summer picnic. I learned to keep how I felt hidden and close to the vest.
Because of that as an adult I learned to admire people who were so open with their feelings since I struggled articulating my own. I also disliked people who were too emotional feeling their energy drained my own. So last night when I’m a basket case over an imagined slight I feel even more at a loss not understanding why I’m emotional and also afraid I’m overreacting.
In the light of day I can say 99% I was overreacting. I misunderstood something and took it entirely to a place it wasn’t intended. Today I went for a run then did some weights hoping to clear my head and figure out what has gotten into me!!!
Today the weather was perfect. Not too hot. Not humid and slightly overcast. As a pale person I enjoy cloudy days. I didn’t go to my usual running trail and decided to stay near the house. I live in an older established neighborhood so there are tons of trees and a few lakes as well. The drawback is it is hilly as hell. As I am pushing up one these hills I think of all the stuff happening in my life. Work is chaotic and day to day there is a uneasiness where the staff feels like battle lines are being drawn. Socially I have more going on than I can keep up with. Every day I have plans almost and for an introvert that is overwhelming. Some of my personal relationships have shifted and are growing into new directions. I’ve recently left a social media platform that had become rather dismal as of late. This week I’m going through some withdrawals but only because I miss some people. I don’t miss the drama.
As I reached the top of the hill and turned left to go home I decided I needed to forgive myself. I’m allowed to be emotional and right now I have every right to feel out of sorts. It’s okay to feel vulnerable and that is what sent me for a loop yesterday. I’m so accustomed to protect my feelings I rarely show vulnerability. Feeling that pushed me into a small tailspin. I felt like a car that hit an ice patch.
But like the car just a soft tug into the spin helped correct my spiraling emotions.