The awkwardness of feelings

I hate to admit it but I’ve been emotional the last two weeks. This is a new thing for me and not my norm so I’m struggling with all these…..feelings. I grew up in a home where my feelings were used against me. Signs of weakness were exploited and happiness was quashed like a mosquito at a summer picnic. I learned to keep how I felt hidden and close to the vest.

Because of that as an adult I learned to admire people who were so open with their feelings since I struggled articulating my own. I also disliked people who were too emotional feeling their energy drained my own. So last night when I’m a basket case over an imagined slight I feel even more at a loss not understanding why I’m emotional and also afraid I’m overreacting.

In the light of day I can say 99% I was overreacting. I misunderstood something and took it entirely to a place it wasn’t intended. Today I went for a run then did some weights hoping to clear my head and figure out what has gotten into me!!!

Today the weather was perfect. Not too hot. Not humid and slightly overcast. As a pale person I enjoy cloudy days. I didn’t go to my usual running trail and decided to stay near the house. I live in an older established neighborhood so there are tons of trees and a few lakes as well. The drawback is it is hilly as hell. As I am pushing up one these hills I think of all the stuff happening in my life. Work is chaotic and day to day there is a uneasiness where the staff feels like battle lines are being drawn. Socially I have more going on than I can keep up with. Every day I have plans almost and for an introvert that is overwhelming. Some of my personal relationships have shifted and are growing into new directions. I’ve recently left a social media platform that had become rather dismal as of late. This week I’m going through some withdrawals but only because I miss some people. I don’t miss the drama.

As I reached the top of the hill and turned left to go home I decided I needed to forgive myself. I’m allowed to be emotional and right now I have every right to feel out of sorts. It’s okay to feel vulnerable and that is what sent me for a loop yesterday. I’m so accustomed to protect my feelings I rarely show vulnerability. Feeling that pushed me into a small tailspin. I felt like a car that hit an ice patch.

But like the car just a soft tug into the spin helped correct my spiraling emotions.

9 Comments Add yours

  1. The first two paragraphs perfectly represent how I feel.

    I look at familiarity as an eventual chink in my aloof armor, ready to be exploited via barbs and jabs of passive aggression… and occasionally explicit aggression.

    It’s tough letting people in…even more so when you’re in perpetual fight or flight mode–though that’s just me.

    Letting it out on here, and relating to other people has helped immensely. Hopefully it will do the same for you.

    Nice post, and I’m glad you had a nice hike/jog. A pretty view on a gorgeous day does wonders for the soul :).


  2. Oh! And I forgot, you’re one of the people I nominated for the Mystery Blogger Award. I super failed on the notifying others portion of it haha.


    1. Thank you!!!! 🙈
      I’ll try to do the nominee justice!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have to admit that I’ve never gotten use to my emotions being in control of me instead of the other way around. I’ve been dealing with it all my life, and the weather definitely can have a big impact on my mood.

    I went on a blocking/unfollowing spree until I finally don’t have to see the shit storms. But a handful of my favorites, some that have been there for years, left around the same time you did and it has gotten really quiet for me having such a small friends list. So as long as you have no objections I will continue to get my daily fix here. 🙂


    1. The weather seems to effect me too. Summer for instance seems to make me a bit more introverted than usual.
      I’m not opposed at all! I’m enjoying having some freedom here and a chance to know people better! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m happy for the chance to get to know you now. I had just found the nerve to send a message when you wrote your last post. So I waited until you were up and running here.


  5. Finally finding some time to get on here and start following you. I was nodding along with this piece. I tend to keep my emotions tamped down nice and tight even when everything is hitting the fan. In fact, thinking about it, I do a much better job of shoving them down when everything is hitting the fan but then some little thing on a day when everything is fine will just undo me. Almost like something small or simple is a safe place to unravel when there’s been to much going on both good or bad.


  6. The thing I learned in therapy was to not try to haul yourself into a happier mood. Sadness and tears are important and a valid thing to feel. Let them sit for a while, let the tears flow and cleanse your spirit.
    The second thing I learned was if it lasted longer than a few days, take steps to feel better.
    Exercise is the best way to release good chemicals in your brain and it will help. Thank you for a wonderful post. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. c bunny says:

    S till enjoying you. It seems there is a calm for now. Whether it will last or prove itself the calm before the storm, I’m just going to stay to my path, eyes forward for now. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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