This last week my self-assurance took a whattheeverloving fuck hit. I have pretty good self-esteem. Now. That took a lot of therapy and also maturity. I am heavier than I have ever been and only mind slightly. My spouse actually likes the change and I have to keep telling him this is temporary. Knee gets fixed and weight be gone.
So it was a weird experience to receive a picture of myself and feel less confident by what I saw. A man I was introduced to as a possible play potential took the picture. (I am in an open marriage) He is a sports photographer who took a few candid pics of my friend and I watching a tennis match.
I am sitting on the bleachers with one of my best friends surrounded by tennis enthusiasts. My red hair is shining in the late afternoon sun but my skin looks like a rock you find in one of those deep subterranean caves that glow. I am Casper pale. Actually, scratch that. I am like a vampire who sparkles in the sun pale. (Fist bump for those who admit a love of that series.)
My skin is the centerpiece of the picture! It is glowing and on display. I felt embarrassed by how pale I am. Growing up I was always envious of my friends who could tan and looked like bronzed beauties but I figured out rather early that I am pale and should stay that way for anti-aging purposes. Pale skin doesn’t age well when exposed to the sun. We are like Gremlins that way. So I am 46 and even this week had a woman tell me how when I get to my 40s my menses cycle will change. I am 5 years older than her! She thought I was 34!
Last night over dinner I show my husband the picture and suggested I get a spray tan for the summer. Now a little background: early in our relationship, he asked me a lot why I didn’t get a tan. Tans were cool. Tans were sexy. That was 15 years ago or more. So it came as a complete surprise when he got pissed at my suggestion.
“You are a redhead. No one expects you to be tan. You look nice pale. Don’t fuck it up trying to be someone you aren’t.”
I guess I will just continue to embrace rocking the Vampire chic look. Plus be grateful I have someone brutally honest. ☺