Tonight my husband and I had a discussion that surprised me. For the first time I saw his point of view on men being called to the mat on Hollywood sexual harassment. My argument was that I belived 8 out of 10 women are telling the truth and the rest are just hoping to get some attention to fading or dying careers. He had a strong argument that a lot of these incidences occurred at parties under the influence. It is Hollywood after all right? I said that shouldn’t matter.
“So she can be drunk and flash her pussy but if he is drunk and thinks that is an invitation he is culpable for sexual assault?” He asked.
A few years ago my husband and I attended a wild halloween party. The hostess was intoxicated. She saw he and I sitting together on her sofa and came and laid across our laps. She lifted her little dress and showed us she wasn’t wearing panties then spread her labia and told us she was wet because she was aroused. She asked if we wanted to touch. My husband has witnessed her out in public several times intoxicated and she is a friendly drunk. She loves to show you her tits, likes to touch you but is pissed if you return the favor. That is because she is an exhibitionist. She loves showing off her body. When she drinks she may verbally offer more than she is actually willing to accept.
If you don’t know this woman you wouldn’t know that. You would see a beautiful, smiling woman making friendly overtures. You would assume she was offering because she wanted YOU to touch her. Then when you were arrested the police would tell you that you should have not taken advantage of someone who is drunk even though your blood alcohol content is higher.
I told my husband that a lot of women don’t come forward for a variety of reasons. When we feel some solidarity we feel safer but also want to collectively take a stand and say it is time for this shit to end. My husband knows I was molested as a young child but tonight I shared that my father chastised me for not yelling louder. As an adult I would answer my father that would be hard to do with a penis in your mouth. My mother was more concerned that my abuser was the 17 year old son of my father’s lover. She wanted me to realize my father betrayed her. Any regard for my own psyche 6 year old was irrelevant to her narcissistic personality.
As victims of assault we all behave differently. We wonder if we encouraged our assault somehow, did we fight back enough, or were we asking for it? My husband and I fought over that. I explained his mother would see a woman in a short skirt and think if she was raped she had it coming. He countered with when he takes his bikes to Sturgis (a side business for him) that women walk up and show him their tits every day. He said he is assaulted by tits. He didn’t want to see them and they are thrust upon him. If he touched one of those tits? He would be labeled as a man who assaults women.
So maybe some of us should stop behaving in ways that invite danger to all of us. No one can read minds. We can’t expect a man to have a woman masturbating in front of him and for him to not think she doesn’t desire him. If she says no of course he should understand things end. We have to stop taunting though. It isn’t fair to men but it isn’t fair to women who really had no fucking choice.